14 December 2012 – I will never forget this day!
It is the day I have finally decided to completely let go. Up until today, I have never made a conscious decision to let go, because in my heart somewhere I always felt that there was always hope.
The truth is, this should have come much sooner, and those that were not involved saw it and they told me. But I wasn’t ready to embrace the truth that they were giving me. I needed to see it for myself, and I needed to be sure that it was really over.
I know now that it is over, my mind knows it, my brain knows it but most importantly my heart knows it!
It’s not easy, it’s a hard pill to swallow and it’s a struggle every second.
I have to fight with myself just to not reach for the phone to call, or sms or write her something, but i know that if I were to give in and do that,Ii will only meet with disappoint!
I am so tired of hoping that things will improve, that there will be a day when we go somewhere and come back without being accused of being with a chick or liking a chick.
Looking back, I am trying to see what it is that I will miss the most?I know I love her, and I will for a long time, but, in all honestly what is it that I am going to miss?
I have never been one to talk about my issues, I am an extremely private person. Unfortunately the person I was with put everything out there and it seems unfair that everyone knows their side of the story and never mine. But this is not what it is about!
What am I going to miss?
Maybe I will miss being in a relationship, knowing that I “belong” to someone. Maybe I will miss cooking for her and rubbing her feet. Maybe I will miss just knowing that I can just pick up the phone at any time and call her.
I will miss all the dreams I had for this relationship.
I will miss the baby we never had.
I will miss the house we never bought.
I will miss the vacations that we never took.
And I will miss the forever that we dreamed of.
Maybe I am just too scared to be alone, maybe I am just so used of being in a relationship that I can settle for a mediocre relationship. The thought of being alone is terrifying.
I don’t just want to be with someone because I love to be around them, I want to be with someone that I cannot live without! I thought she was that person for me, but it was not meant to be.
It is time to let go, and open the space in my heart for someone to occupy it.
Easier said than done, but in time I know it will happen.
So, I release her, I release myself. I fought for this relationship for years, and now its time to let it go. My dawn is here.
There are lots of lessons that I learned, but lesson is that you must never fight for someone who’s not willing for fight for you. I learned it late, but I did learn it.